Johnny Football Needs To Become Johnny Lay Low
After a hiatus from writing due to a number of things, I've figured the best opportunity to get back in the game is to offer my two cents on the Johnny Football drama that has been all over ESPN for the past few weeks. Now I may not be a Heisman-winning quarterback staring at millions of dollars in future earnings, but I am a recent college graduate from a football-crazy school who drank a "frew brew" at fraternity parties back in the day, so I might just be semi-qualified to comment on this topic. Based on my past experiences of dodging flying beer cans, here is my personal advice to the media's favorite person.
Dear Johnny,
A few months ago, I ran into you at a bar on Sixth Street. To be specific, it was Thanksgiving night, after TCU had beaten my hapless Longhorns. While some might give you a bit of hell for being on Sixth two nights before your final regular season game against Mizzou, we both know Gary Pinkel's squad had less to offer than a bar after 2:15 AM, so no harm done there. Hell, even last year's Longhorns could have beaten that team, which is saying something. Honestly, you seemed like a pretty cool dude, which is why I'm offering this bit of advice to you.
When I was an undergrad at the University of Texas, the Holy Triumvirate of Quarterbacks were dominating college football. You might have even met a few of them in your time: Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, and Tim Tebow. Combined, they were darlings of the media. They could do no wrong, and some would even argue that they were God's gifts to mankind. The fact of the matter is this, Johnny: these guys didn't give the media anything bad to talk about. You never heard about these guys being drunker than Cooter Brown, or oversleeping for an event because they were shacked up at a slam's place. Today's media loves drama, and if you give them an inch, they will take a mile. While we both might like to have lived in an era of the past, when a person's indiscretions could be hidden from snooping media eyes, there is no chance of that happening. You can only play the hand you are dealt; as your attorney (if you don't understand that nod, I'm sorry) I advise you to do the following:
- Lay low for the next few months. If you want to get your booze on, have a few friends over and crack some brews at your place. Just know who will be attending, so your shenanigans stay on the DL. As much as you want to be a normal rowdy college student, you can't with today's media. Normal students can get blackout at a bar on a Wednesday, but they aren't potential first-round NFL Draft picks who the media cares about. You control your destiny over what the media can say about you. Lay low, and there is nothing they can say.
- Stay away from Austin this season. Some bitter Horns in the 512 will jump at any chance to take a photo of you that will make you look bad in front of a national audience. You can't really blame them either, as the current Horns on campus don't know what a good football season feels like, and seeing your squad rise in the rankings unquestionably makes their blood boil. Yes, Austin is the best city in the state, and by far the most fun. Yes, it looks like Las Vegas or New Orleans when you have to live in College Station. For the sake of your wallet though, stay away until the season is over.
- Get the hell out of College Station after this season. Yes, if you return for your junior season, your God-like status among those maroon sheep will grow even more. But for the sake of your future, you need to get the hell out of Dodge. Nothing good can come from you staying another year in college. Media scrutiny over every move you make will only increase, your draft stock can't go any higher, and the threat of injury will always be present. You know what happened to Leinart and Barkley. You're a first round talent, but are scaring NFL owners and GM's away due to your off-the-field antics. After Aaron Hernandez went full-idiot this summer, the NFL higher-ups will be looking for any and every reason to not draft a player who they see as risky due to off-the-field issues. Take the money and run while you can, before the media or the NFL gets any more dirt on you.
Your Attorney,
Dr. Gonzo
Hope you enjoyed the piece, and I'll do my best to bring you more of my thoughts and insights on a regular basis, as we are getting closer to football season.
